Play with me

Waist deep into So Long, Insecurity and I have only cried my eyes out 8 times. I am shedding light on some realizations that I would much rather leave in the dark closet of my life. I know that I am insecure and I know that there are a million reasons why. I know that I want to be secure and confident in all I do. I have a picture in my head of the women that I long to be and she is so far away that I feel it will take a miraculous act of God if I am to ever meet her. I started this journey with the Power Shower over a year ago in an attempt to encourage women all over ( or just in my immediate circle!) to go out and Get It, go out and Own it, go out and Be It, go out and Do it, and for goddsakes, grow a pair! I have vacilated between feeling really really good and awful. I have been on the awful streak for too long now and I no longer feel that I can listen to myself anymore. How far has my security fallen? I believe the devil has a field day when I am feeling my best. I believe this is where evil is laid and hatched. It is not a long trip from feeling high on life to the wicked burning sensation of self-doubt and self-loathing. We are women and we all experience this yin and yang in our lives. I know it and I see it. I am part of it. I have created some of it for others and I want to STOP IT. A vow of silence doesn't seem like a bad idea for now. I would choose to believe that my insecurites live and die with me, but I have given birth to two gorgeous breeding grounds for insecurity. Summer brings endless opportunity for playdates. Lily is approaching an age when girls can start cliquing off. It has pained me to no end to hear her say to me on more than one occasion, "They don't want to play with me." Or, "So-and-so has other friends." My heart breaks. I want her to know that she can be herself and not worry about the "other girls". I want her to say, "Whatever" and be okay with who she is. She is silly and active and very rough and tough. When she plays with boys she is happy because she can be a lion and they will just play along with her. Today she told me she was being "the bad tiger" so the boys didn't want to play with her. For as tough as she pretends to be, there is still a fragile little girl that can have her feelings hurt in an instant. I have found that that little girl is alive and well in each one of us still. I hear it when Lily is sad and I tell her to "Stop playing Lions. It scares people." I am essentially telling her to conform and be like everyone else. She is a really good lion. She can put the Lion King on Broadway to shame. Why is that my go-to? I have buckled under societal pressures for most of life. My nose was too big for too long, the kids teased me unmercifully. I had it fixed when I was 17, but the damage was done. That hurt and angry little girl is still there underneath my rough and tough exterior. For too long I have fought conforming while conforming and the lion in me died long ago. I want Lily and Stella to be the head of their own Pride of Lions and forget about the rest of the herds. I need to stop projecting my own insecurities onto them. They see too much of who I am and what I do. I need to show them how to be confident, secure women. The future of Pride Rock depends on it. Hakuna Matata!

Cleaning House

Hey Ladies~ It is time to clean this house and by clean I mean cleanse my brain of all the filth that has been piling up over the last several months. I have long since fancied myself a writer. You can clearly see that that ship sailed on January 25. That was the last time I wrote anything that wasn't a check or a grocery list. When that happens and so much time passes without a good deep cleanse, I become blocked. My energy piles higher and higher until I become so overloaded that I come frightenly close to exploding. And not in a good way most times. I have a writing assignment that is due...way overdue actually...in a few days. I don't remember how to be creative and to get into a good writing place right now. I don't know what to write or how to make anything make sense. The Power Shower has become a trickle. I am now getting involved in a new book that is wonderful and I want to share and shout it from the rooftops and I want to write about it and write it outloud and make it clear and easy for everyone to harnass. So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. I am just learning about who Beth Moore is and she is awesome. She is insanely insecure, so am I. So are you. I am battle-worn from my fight against this disease and it is swallowing me whole. I need to read it and I am out of time to read it. I am deeply vested in my Thirty-One business and it has been wonderful but I have let it become work instead of the blessing that it is meant to be. I am working at Boise State a few hours a week, but the logistics of getting there and getting anything done coupled with the guilt of leaving Pete with the girls multiple nights a week is piling up and making it hardly worth the money I am making while I am there. I ignore the girls to such a degree that they are wondering where I am when I am right in front of them. Something has got to give. I was offered an opportunity with Boise State to work as much as I want or as little. You can't pass that up, right? I promoted twice within a year with Thirty-One... that has to be good right? I am home with the girls everyday so that makes me a good mom if I am not mistaken? So why oh why am I feeling overwhelmed and pulled in all directions always? Why can't I make sense out of what I am doing and what direct purpose I am serving? Is there a purpose, a goal in sight or is this just some sick cycle that I am in with working and working and working all the time. I have incredible guilt when I am not making cents. I will only go out with a business purpose in mind. I am addicted to work, actual work. I am not working as a means to an end. I work because I have to because I don't know who I am if I am not working. I am a Mom and I have to be a mom because I have the girls and they need their mom. I have been trying to be both full-time mom and full-time employee (working BSU 1/4 time and working Thirty-One ALL THE TIME = Full time?) but not getting anywhere. So WHAT AM I DOING? and WHY? I want to help women be all they can be. I want you to know that you matter and that you can do anything you want to do. I want you to know that you can reach your goals with determination and tenacity. I just can't do that for me. It is summer. Lily is out of preschool so we have lost some structure to our weeks. Stella is still the child that screams even though she can now communicate through other more effective ways like talking. I can't help but to feel that her scream is a siren warning me that I am missing something in my quest to stay busy all the time everyday and have something to do always. I am missing THEM. I am missing them growing up and making sure that they know that they matter. Perhaps I should focus more on the road right in front of me rather than on the trip I am actually taking. Maybe I should do less travelling by map and more travelling by experiences and wonder with my children. That is afterall what this quest to find the perfect job while raising my children has been about, has it not? I fought and I fought against the system to be around my girls while they were growing up, but it seems that all I have really been fighting is how to not acquire the "stay at home mom" title while being a mom that stays at home. Money is a factor. Bills are an issue. Childcare is expensive. So is gas. And coffee. And playdates. The money I am making makes it possible for us to enjoy those things so maybe it is all worth it. I will be writing more about So Long Insecurity and my battle with self-doubt and self-preoccupation. I will find the answer to the question, " Are you mad at me?" once and for all and for that I am hopeful and excited!

While spending my time in the Power Shower I think about all the wonderful things that I pray for my family. I pray that Pete is forever fulfilled in whatever job he is doing, I pray that Lily and Stella grow to be strong, amazing, confident, self-sufficient women, I pray that all of our family and friends continue to be showered with all the blessings from God that is afforded them. I pray that He continues to shine his light on all of us and show us that light when we are most discouraged. Then I get out of the Power Shower and actually have to live this life.

I pray for patience and I am met with a precious, precocious 4 year old whining "Heymommy, Heymommy, Heymommy".....her whining is suddenly drowning in the painful cry of her younger, cursed baby sister.
"What happened?" I ask, fearful of the answer I will receive.
"Stella fell."
"How in the world did that happen?"
"I pushed her."

So what do I do? I attempt to pray again for answers or a sign of some forgotten parenting advice that I heard years ago. Nothing. Slowly, slowly, my patience vanishes and is replaced with an increasing anger. This has happened 13027 times. Over and over. Time-out after time-out. I take things away from her. I restrict our activities for a few days. I remove all sugar from her diet. On and on it goes. Is it Cain and Abel or Lily and Stella? I cannot tell the difference at this point.

We made a chart together yesterday of all of the rules she needs to follow. She made the rules. There are 4. She wanted 16. I thought we should start small.
1. Listen to Mom and Dad (this actually means doing exactly what we say WHEN we say it the 1st time. We are hoping that this translates into toddler/child speak)
2. Be Nice To Stella (Lily reads this as Be Gentle with My Sister)
3. Pick up your toys.
4. No crying in the bath, brushing teeth, or hair.

She threw a spoon at Stella's head today.
I took away her night time lovies.
Since she was a baby I have closed her door as I run my two fingers down past my eyes as a way to tell her to close her eyes and then I blow her a kiss. If I don't do this she will cry until I do.
She didn't even look at me when I left her room tonight. And she never cried.

I should probably get used to her hating me sometimes. I know it will only get worse as she grows and the big problems we are experiencing now become so minuscule that we don't remember them. It hurts my heart, but I know not what to do.

I know this: Those girls will love and respect each other when they are old if it kills me.....which it may sooner than we think! I am thinking positively about most things. They will always be the variable to my own personal peace of mind. That is okay, that is all part of the job.

Back on the wagon

Happy New Times!
2011 went whirling, twirling by, crashing into the end of December. Suddenly, January is half-over and I am still wishing it was Christmas!
In my 32 years in this planet, life makes more sense. Our year was full of stretching, pushing, and growing into our lives. We made peace with our surroundings. We squeezed the life out of change and I am sad to put it to bed.
I know that the world keeps spinning and that calendars are man-made. January 1st is the same as January 16th. The sun went down on a day and crept up behind the mountains the next. I really just took a calendar off the wall and replaced it with a new fancier one. I would like to continue the momentum of 2011. I have looked at 2012 as a blank page...a page that can be colored by disaster or pain. It is not. It is nothing. It doesn't matter. I simply took a break at the end of 2011 because I needed it!
I will resume Power Thoughts because I NEED TO! I have found myself lost in fear again. Fear of silly things that may or may not come to pass. I have been worrying a lot. I need to reign in my basketcasiness.
I learned today that I have a nickname in a circle of friends that I love dearly, but have known for a short-time. They call me Waterfall on account of my many tears. My first reaction was to be offended...but then it became endearing. I am a weepy gal. God speaks to me that way. My heart is open to the human experience and if that makes me a Waterfall than so be it! May God Bless your New Year and make his face shine on all that you do! I would advise each and everyone of you to CHANGE THE THINGS that trouble you TODAY! What have you got to lose?