While spending my time in the Power Shower I think about all the wonderful things that I pray for my family. I pray that Pete is forever fulfilled in whatever job he is doing, I pray that Lily and Stella grow to be strong, amazing, confident, self-sufficient women, I pray that all of our family and friends continue to be showered with all the blessings from God that is afforded them. I pray that He continues to shine his light on all of us and show us that light when we are most discouraged. Then I get out of the Power Shower and actually have to live this life.

I pray for patience and I am met with a precious, precocious 4 year old whining "Heymommy, Heymommy, Heymommy".....her whining is suddenly drowning in the painful cry of her younger, cursed baby sister.
"What happened?" I ask, fearful of the answer I will receive.
"Stella fell."
"How in the world did that happen?"
"I pushed her."

So what do I do? I attempt to pray again for answers or a sign of some forgotten parenting advice that I heard years ago. Nothing. Slowly, slowly, my patience vanishes and is replaced with an increasing anger. This has happened 13027 times. Over and over. Time-out after time-out. I take things away from her. I restrict our activities for a few days. I remove all sugar from her diet. On and on it goes. Is it Cain and Abel or Lily and Stella? I cannot tell the difference at this point.

We made a chart together yesterday of all of the rules she needs to follow. She made the rules. There are 4. She wanted 16. I thought we should start small.
1. Listen to Mom and Dad (this actually means doing exactly what we say WHEN we say it the 1st time. We are hoping that this translates into toddler/child speak)
2. Be Nice To Stella (Lily reads this as Be Gentle with My Sister)
3. Pick up your toys.
4. No crying in the bath, brushing teeth, or hair.

She threw a spoon at Stella's head today.
I took away her night time lovies.
Since she was a baby I have closed her door as I run my two fingers down past my eyes as a way to tell her to close her eyes and then I blow her a kiss. If I don't do this she will cry until I do.
She didn't even look at me when I left her room tonight. And she never cried.

I should probably get used to her hating me sometimes. I know it will only get worse as she grows and the big problems we are experiencing now become so minuscule that we don't remember them. It hurts my heart, but I know not what to do.

I know this: Those girls will love and respect each other when they are old if it kills me.....which it may sooner than we think! I am thinking positively about most things. They will always be the variable to my own personal peace of mind. That is okay, that is all part of the job.

Back on the wagon

Happy New Times!
2011 went whirling, twirling by, crashing into the end of December. Suddenly, January is half-over and I am still wishing it was Christmas!
In my 32 years in this planet, life makes more sense. Our year was full of stretching, pushing, and growing into our lives. We made peace with our surroundings. We squeezed the life out of change and I am sad to put it to bed.
I know that the world keeps spinning and that calendars are man-made. January 1st is the same as January 16th. The sun went down on a day and crept up behind the mountains the next. I really just took a calendar off the wall and replaced it with a new fancier one. I would like to continue the momentum of 2011. I have looked at 2012 as a blank page...a page that can be colored by disaster or pain. It is not. It is nothing. It doesn't matter. I simply took a break at the end of 2011 because I needed it!
I will resume Power Thoughts because I NEED TO! I have found myself lost in fear again. Fear of silly things that may or may not come to pass. I have been worrying a lot. I need to reign in my basketcasiness.
I learned today that I have a nickname in a circle of friends that I love dearly, but have known for a short-time. They call me Waterfall on account of my many tears. My first reaction was to be offended...but then it became endearing. I am a weepy gal. God speaks to me that way. My heart is open to the human experience and if that makes me a Waterfall than so be it! May God Bless your New Year and make his face shine on all that you do! I would advise each and everyone of you to CHANGE THE THINGS that trouble you TODAY! What have you got to lose?