Stella B.

One year ago today I awoke with a start
One year ago today I had to make arrangements for childcare.
One year ago today Pete had to call in to cancel his on-air duties for the day.
One year ago today my parents drove 13 hours.
One year ago today I met the most amazing Labor and Delivery staff at St.Lukes in Boise, Idaho.
One year ago today, Pete and I fell in love with Man vs. Food on the Travel Channel.
One year ago today, I felt honest to goodness contractions with no help from Pitocin.
One year ago today, we swore we were having a baby named Beau Randall.
One year ago today, I pushed and pushed for 15 minutes and I watched as Stella Ann Stauffer entered this world.
One year ago today, I held an angel to my chest and watched intently as she looked into my soul.
One year ago today, I saw the world in my baby's eyes.
One year ago today, I met a woman that was put on this earth with purpose and determination.
One year ago today, a precious life completed our family and we have never been the same.

Stella gave us her name. Stella is a Stella if we have ever met a Stella!
Stella needs to be heard. Stella is a fighter. Stella is strong.
Today our lives are different, with her birth we grew out of our comfortable box and really began to live. Through this transition that she brought with her, we were never really comfortable and that is because we were changing. Stella showed us where we were lost and taught us that we could be found. She has pushed the START button on our lives and we are off, we are off and away. Stella is a Saint and we love her with every last inch of our being. Happy Birthday, my Baby Bear!!! YOU are my muse.

Feral or Not?

While driving with my ladies this afternoon, we made a wrong turn in Meridian, Idaho. I quickly made a U-turn at the end of the road and my eyes fell on a baby kitten sitting patiently, looking longingly into my soul for help. I was in a hurry as the ladies auditioned for GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling)in the backseat. I grabbed my phone and called the Humane Society in Boise. No answer. Proceeded to call the Nampa Humane Society and learned they can't do anything in the Meridian area. They referred me to Meridian Animal Control. I made the call expecting someone who cares to answer the phone. A women who I will call Marge, as she sounded like a Marge, said "Oh Lady, there are feral cats all over the city. Good luck catching them. We only do dogs." The kittens multiplied before my eyes. I counted 2,4, maybe even 6? Through the fence behind them lurked a larger black cat. Mama? I made a last desperate call to the Boise Humane Society again. They were little help as well as Meridian is out of there jurisdiction. They said that I could pick them up and bring them in for a fee.
I sat back while Stella screamed and Lily hopped from the front to the backseat in a single bound. I felt helpless and cursed my god-given cat allergies. What could I do? The kitties rollicked and played. Were they in immediate danger? Probably not. After a quick call to Pete we decided we would go back later this evening. I drove away feeling empty.
I made one more phone call to my dear friend and closest friend of the felines that I knew, Sarah Weber. I remembered a feral cat taking up residence in her backyard soon after our move to Boise. At the time, I thought Feral was an exotic feline breed and wondered why she would be in such haste to remove these priceless kittens from her property. She put my mind at ease when she shared the nature of a feral cat. The Mama Cat probably found this random street in Meridian to be the safest place to raise her brood. She was stalking the situation while I sat and pondered how to rescue her family when they may not need rescuing at all.
Though she is without an owner and the kittens are not licensed and fed Friskies, they are probably happy living day to day, depending solely on their survival instincts and nature.
I felt a kinship to the Mama Kitty as I remembered having my babies in our busy, errand filled chaotic life. How I wished then that I could hole up in a barn somewhere in a bed of hay to nurse and cuddle my infants. We are equipped with survival instincts, we could live free of the convenience and intervention of modern society. This Mama found a cozy, safe place for her kitties and they were probably just fine. They just need their Mom!
(still not sure what to do, though!!)

OMG!!!!

Just a quick note about kids these days:
I am sitting at the Treasure Valley Coffee Roastere. A family of 3 children and their grandfather are sitting just in front of me. The language and the idiocy echoing from this group is astounding. I am terrified of my little ladies growing up and becoming bitter and angry like the two girls. From what I gather they hate EVERYONE that they go to school with, even the pretty best friend. I believe one girl is part of a couple and they made no bones about arguing in front of everyone, including their grandfather. They have been talking about making out with boys and potentially having herpes.
OMG! And the fights about facebook posts and who likes who. I want to shoot myself.

Cry;I love you.

We spent the last several weeks in a state of vacation. And now it is time for vacation deflation. A time to reflect and debrief on the goings on in our families and in our lives. It is a strange life to be so far away that we have to cram a years worth of family life into the days that we get to be together once a year. It makes me yearn for a day when we can become a bi-state rather than a tri-state family. It is taxing on us and the girls, although they don't know it yet. I had several moments over these last few weeks where I allowed the tears to flow. They were happy and sad tears, overwhelmed and overjoyed tears, they were sympathy and empathy tears. I spent moments with the precious lives that we are connected to and I am so grateful. We are so very very blessed. It is natural, I suppose, to want to move "home" while we are together. It makes me wonder how in the hell we ended up in Idaho in the first place and I think about our plan to move here with the intention of staying no longer than 2 years. Our life took several drastic turns and now we are reluctantly planted and there is no clear vision of when we can return "home".
In an effort to remain positive, however, I will adjust! I had some time for some personal growth and was reminded of two very important rules for this life.

1. It is okay to cry.
2. Make sure people know that you love them.

I read somewhere that tears release hormones that can contribute to depression. I do not remember where I gathered this information, but it helps me as I am a cryer! I have also seen the toll that repression of emotions can take on a person and on the people that surround that person and that is not fair to anyone. If you need to cry, cry. Get it out, feel it, and get over it.

Love. It can be a hard to express. I am reminded of the night that Pete attempted to say I LOVE YOU for the first time to me. He took several deep breathes, then he would catch himself. I am not sure what he was afraid of and I sure wasn't going to say it first! I have always followed the thought that when you part with someone, make sure that your last words convey what you would want them to know if you were never going to see them again. I am not afraid to say I love you and I know that it drips from my pores when I am parting ways with our families. I have never had a problem with this, but it is more serious to me now that we are an island separated by an ocean of desolate land from our homes, from our people.

So, to the Nalywaiko-Stauffer-Franco-Gerth-Hougan-Koelpin-Fix-Heckendorf-Klug-Richardson-Kaulitz-Little-Chambers-Park families.... I LOVE YOU....and now I am going to go cry about it!