In the beginning.....

Chapter 1: The Power of a Positive YOU!

What do you believe is the most important thought or attitude you need to change in your life?
“We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents.” ~Emerson

I have long held this quote from Emerson’s Self-Reliance close to my heart, but have yet to act on it. I have been aware of my own self-defeating patterns for years, but have not taken action to correct it. There is a me that I am willing to let people know, but there is a vast majority of my being that I hold close.I have always been a leader, but found it easier to lead down the path of least resistance. I have kept myself from trying most anything for fear of failure and worse, fear of what people will think of me. I have kept my faith to myself, discounting all the wonderful blessings that God has bestowed on my life and the lives of those that I love. I haven’t written publicly for fear of criticism, I have not attempted certain jobs for fear of failure. Keeping my beliefs to myself keeps me from having to defend them. Remaining on the bench, so to speak, has kept me from ridicule. Every great thinker has faced up to criticism. That is part of becoming who you are meant to be. The most important attitude I need to change: Fear of my power. Fear of society at large. Fear of my own greatness. Fear of becoming who I am meant to be. Fear of doing what needs to be done. Fear of attempting and failing. Fear of success. Fear of proclaiming out loud that I am a BELIEVER. Fear of accepting that I am happy because something terrible will surely happen if I am truly happy. Fear of saying “I have everything I could need and I am content.”

How to begin making an attitude adjustment?
“I realize that life is not perfect, but with God’s help I am going to be stable even during the storms of life.”

I will begin my confronting all of my fears. I have had the pleasure of speaking with friends and family about their own fears and it is so easy to recognize that their fear becomes the obstacle to their happiness, but when I look at my own fears, they seem insurmountable. I will remember that when change hurts, it is the seed of growth and maturity taking root in my soul. I will pray for the right things in the right way. I will change my language. I will not commiserate with my fellow mothers and naysayers. I will believe that all things are possible in God who strengthens my every movement and every thought.

Trials I have faced and the blessings that have come from them:

Overflowing with the only important thing in this life: LOVE

Unfortunate/disappointing/painful/unfulfilling relationships of all sorts allowed me to hit a bottom that would have never prompted my move to the central coast. This worked in multiple ways: During this time in my life I was either going to end my sorry life or fix it. I had nowhere else to turn, and I have felt for years that God knew things were going to have to turn near fatal to make me lean on Him. Mama always said I was a tough nut to crack! I am a stubborn ass and though I received red flag after red flag, I persisted in my selfish way. I did not look up, I did not look down. I proceeded for years with my tunnel vision thinking that I could do it all on my own. I was empty. I was a shell. I had a void the size of Wisconsin in my heart, on my soul. I called out for help and for an answer, I called out to invite God to fill the void in my life. The phone rang, I was blessed with a job, and I moved. It was at that moment that I gave up my life. I wasn’t doing a very good job at making it happen, so I let go of the reigns. I learned that I could still have fun and be blessed. That was new to me! I always thought that if I went to church that I would have to change. I would have to become a holy roller, one of those people that I always perceived as fake and naive. God met me where I was and blessed me where I was! It didn’t matter what church I went to, God would meet me anywhere. God was working overtime at Mr. Ricks in Avila Beach on Mardi Gras, I met Pete and we have had a marvelous life together. We have two beautiful baby girls. We have a beautiful life and we are full!

We recently experienced a flood/fire in our home on the return from an extended vacation. I knew then that it was God baptizing our lives. We were due for a change. We needed to re-evaluate what we were doing and where we were going. I am now quitting one of my jobs due to stress that I would have never realized I was crumbling under had we not been removed from our home and stripped of our earthly possessions. Turns out all of the “things” we have are pretty burdensome! We have done quite a bit of literal and spiritual cleansing because of it. What a tremendous gift!

What is my biggest mental or emotional challenge when I face storms in my life?

Joyce poses a silly question here. The remainder of this question asks “is it fear, anxiety, impatience, overreacting?” For me, it’s all of those! I am a slave to worry, which I know is evil working in my life. I am trying to quell my worries and thoughts. I am working to remember to be still. I have learned that when times are tough and I feel like I am going to crack it is because I am growing. It is painful to create new wrinkles in your brain, like a toddler cutting teeth, it hurts but it is so worth it, if we wait and we are patient. All the worry, panic, anxiety and overreacting I do hasn’t changed anything. All it has done is cause me pain while continuing to go through the obstacles I have faced. I wish there were times when I could stop speaking, thinking, and worrying. I know that would give me the peace I need in times of strife. I suppose I could stop talking, but how would the girls know what to do!?! Perhaps utilizing other forms of communication would help to stop the worry and the panic!

How is your relationship with God? What can I do to improve it?

I can honestly say that I don’t know. There have been times that I have been able to communicate with God like he were my homeboy, most of the time though, I do not put God first. I stress out in my own thoughts and my own worry. I only go to God after I have moved well into my defeatist attitude. I intend to think more about what God wants me to do, rather than what I think I should do. I will talk to God more, however I choose too. I have always pictured God in my passenger seat while I am driving. With the chaos that is my children, communicating with anyone, real or imagined, has become a thing of the past. I will carve out a moment in my day to be at peace with God, praising him from whom all blessings flow!

Am I good at keeping things in perspective?
In a word, NO! I play out every scenario, usually horrendous scenarios where everyone dies or gets hurt in some irreparable way. Everyday that is bad is the end of the world. I stress and stress and stress. In writing this, it sounds absurd and it is! I look forward to changing this. Pete helps me realize that my perspective is way off. It helps to have him around to remind me that I am a basketcase.

And that is the end of chapter 1. I may change the format or elaborate more at times. I don’t know if this interesting but it is therapeutic. My hope is that this will give you all a moment to reflect and look inward for what is truly important in our lives. In a time when we have little time, this may be the best way to change our thought process, to meditate on our spiritual life and to grow closer to God in a time when most women are experiencing a faith hiatus!

Get Moving!

In the midst of my plan to blog about my journey through Power Thoughts, I visited my Dr. I wanted to discuss my inability to put my brain on pause for even a moment. Once he asked me what I had going on in my life it became clear. I NEED TO STOP!
I went down my list:
1. Opening and operating Meemee's Daycare
2. Pregnancy
3. Working at Boise State
4. Raising Lily
5. Stella's birth
6. Stella's life
7. Everything else that our crazy chaotic life entails with the cleaning, and the cooking and the shopping and the visiting with friends and the reflux that Stella has and on and on and on.......
Clearly, I have been busy. I am not complaining or bragging or singing along with this large violin that is playing behind me as I write this, I am just saying that obviously, I have been doing too much. It is really no wonder that I felt the steam run out of my engine months ago and I have been operating on caffeine and a touch of crazy for the past several months
and little else. What an absolute JOY it will be this Summer when I shut the doors to Meemee's Daycare and spend the next however long playing with my girls and working 1 job (1 job!!!!) at Boise State!!! Blessings abound in all shapes, sizes, and cirsumstances. I have lived enough to know that we will be alright financially with this change. I have prayed enough to know that this is the right choice. I plan to nap a bit and breathe a bit. We will plant some veggies. 6 more weeks. Cheers to the sun coming out sooner or later! I already feel a bit sunnier in my demeanor now that the choice has been made.
If you are wondering: My Dr. says I am not suffering from depression, it is Adjustment Disorder. Clearly this is not the first time I have been "suffering" due to my inability to adjust to our everchanging chaos. File this diagnosis under No $#@*!!! I've got a feeling I will have no problem "adjusting" to my lighter workload come May 13th!!! I've got a feeling... that that night is going to be a good night! Whoo Hoo!!!

Thirty-One

I can't sleep. I just attended my first of what I hope will be many Celebrate and Connect meetings for Thirty-One gifts. I am filled with promise and new hope for the future. Lately, my life has been filled with worries and fear, depression and boredom. I have been feeling somewhat lackluster in what should be the glorious first year of Stella's life. I have been weighed down and tied down by Meemee's Daycare. It was a great venture and I have learned a lot, but it is not for me. The College of Engineering has been wonderful in allowing me to work 1/4 time while I pursued this venture and stayed home to raise Lily and grow Stella. That has been a tremendous blessing in many ways. It is nice to know that I will always have a home there.
Tonight I was surrounded by women that loved what they do. The room was filled with a positive air throughout the evening. Everyone was so excited! What an amazing time to discover this company and all it has to offer. I am excited to get started! I was discouraged at first when I learned of the recruting freeze, but feel that God is giving me this time to get my affairs in order, to teach me patience, and to kick my perseverence into gear. There may be more to it, I find it rather odd that right when I was ready to sign on, the freeze went into effect. A little too timely for me. It was right at the time that I was feeling incredibly frustrated with myself and my lack of ability to finish anything or stay motivated about any one thing for a long. How funny, God, that you chose this venue to teach me to stick to it! I am optimistic about 2011.... and its not just because I decided to stick a fork in Meemee's Daycare on May 13th!! That helps! In ways I never imagined... Spring is upon us and the sun is showing itself every once in a while and I can breathe again. The girls and I get a sample next week of what our summer is going to be like without kids showing up at the door every morning at 7:30 am. They will have a rested mommy and I will have developed patience through my nights of restful sleep and we will be better than we have been.
Looking forward to August when I can begin this journey with Thirty-One!

Power Thoughts

I am on a quest. Lately I have become tired of the voice in my head. If I am tired of listening to it, I can't imagine that anyone else would want to. I have been teetering on the edge of potential post-partum worry. I would not call it depression. The weather has been affecting my mood and my head is all around foggy. I am tired of the negativity that creeps into every conversation I have. I would not like to talk to me so I plan to fix it. I am beginning my journey through Joyce Meyers Power Thoughts. I am going to be mindful of the blessings I have received in my life from a God that loves me no matter how terribly negative I am. So here I go! Writing will keep me accountable.