Play with me

Waist deep into So Long, Insecurity and I have only cried my eyes out 8 times. I am shedding light on some realizations that I would much rather leave in the dark closet of my life. I know that I am insecure and I know that there are a million reasons why. I know that I want to be secure and confident in all I do. I have a picture in my head of the women that I long to be and she is so far away that I feel it will take a miraculous act of God if I am to ever meet her. I started this journey with the Power Shower over a year ago in an attempt to encourage women all over ( or just in my immediate circle!) to go out and Get It, go out and Own it, go out and Be It, go out and Do it, and for goddsakes, grow a pair! I have vacilated between feeling really really good and awful. I have been on the awful streak for too long now and I no longer feel that I can listen to myself anymore. How far has my security fallen? I believe the devil has a field day when I am feeling my best. I believe this is where evil is laid and hatched. It is not a long trip from feeling high on life to the wicked burning sensation of self-doubt and self-loathing. We are women and we all experience this yin and yang in our lives. I know it and I see it. I am part of it. I have created some of it for others and I want to STOP IT. A vow of silence doesn't seem like a bad idea for now. I would choose to believe that my insecurites live and die with me, but I have given birth to two gorgeous breeding grounds for insecurity. Summer brings endless opportunity for playdates. Lily is approaching an age when girls can start cliquing off. It has pained me to no end to hear her say to me on more than one occasion, "They don't want to play with me." Or, "So-and-so has other friends." My heart breaks. I want her to know that she can be herself and not worry about the "other girls". I want her to say, "Whatever" and be okay with who she is. She is silly and active and very rough and tough. When she plays with boys she is happy because she can be a lion and they will just play along with her. Today she told me she was being "the bad tiger" so the boys didn't want to play with her. For as tough as she pretends to be, there is still a fragile little girl that can have her feelings hurt in an instant. I have found that that little girl is alive and well in each one of us still. I hear it when Lily is sad and I tell her to "Stop playing Lions. It scares people." I am essentially telling her to conform and be like everyone else. She is a really good lion. She can put the Lion King on Broadway to shame. Why is that my go-to? I have buckled under societal pressures for most of life. My nose was too big for too long, the kids teased me unmercifully. I had it fixed when I was 17, but the damage was done. That hurt and angry little girl is still there underneath my rough and tough exterior. For too long I have fought conforming while conforming and the lion in me died long ago. I want Lily and Stella to be the head of their own Pride of Lions and forget about the rest of the herds. I need to stop projecting my own insecurities onto them. They see too much of who I am and what I do. I need to show them how to be confident, secure women. The future of Pride Rock depends on it. Hakuna Matata!