5 steps back

Life is chaotic and I am not sure it is suppose to be. We have become slaves to the bills we have to pay and slaves to our children that need our attention not only when they are awake, but when they wake at 30 minute intervals in the wee hours of the morning. I saw a promo for a show that Dr. Oz is going about Perimenopausal women. All the women that they show bear a striking resemblance to me lately. Would that make me perimenopausal? I have a new theory. The women yelling and screaming, really crying out for someone to listen the first time rather than when it has reached crisis mode is nothing more than a symptom of our workworkwork society. I know I am not alone in feeling that there just not enough hours in the day to get everything done. Our "family fun time" is limited to 5 min in the evening when Pete gets home from work and I am running out to one of my evening jobs. The days get swallowed up in a sea of tears and fights between my two girls. I am seeking pleasure, laughter, and enjoyment and I am coming up short. I know what fun and excitement are and maybe that is to my own peril. Our pastor says these are the "dark years" and I would have to agree.
Picture this: Hundreds of years ago our ancestors worked the land and made all their own food. They went where they needed to go and had time for each other. Their was stress to be sure, but this was a time before everything was an emergency, before technology gave us all ADD. Before every last bit of your existence was valued by how much money you make and when you pay your bills. I long for that time. I believe we went wrong somewhere. I would be exiled if I blamed the Women's Movement, but I do. I often say I would have lived better in the early 1900's, before women had the right to vote and everything went to hell!!! As women, we are better at most things, multi-tasking, nurturing, understanding the big picture, making things happen. I would not be surprised if God was more feminine than we give HIM credit for. God created life and so did I.
My nerves are shot, Stella's screaming sounds like a Pteradactyl on a megaphone. My circadian rhythm is waaay off and I don't sleep well and I don't sleep right. The wheels have come off and I am not sure when it happened. I need a vacation. Or maybe I am just Perimenopausal.

Stella B.

One year ago today I awoke with a start
One year ago today I had to make arrangements for childcare.
One year ago today Pete had to call in to cancel his on-air duties for the day.
One year ago today my parents drove 13 hours.
One year ago today I met the most amazing Labor and Delivery staff at St.Lukes in Boise, Idaho.
One year ago today, Pete and I fell in love with Man vs. Food on the Travel Channel.
One year ago today, I felt honest to goodness contractions with no help from Pitocin.
One year ago today, we swore we were having a baby named Beau Randall.
One year ago today, I pushed and pushed for 15 minutes and I watched as Stella Ann Stauffer entered this world.
One year ago today, I held an angel to my chest and watched intently as she looked into my soul.
One year ago today, I saw the world in my baby's eyes.
One year ago today, I met a woman that was put on this earth with purpose and determination.
One year ago today, a precious life completed our family and we have never been the same.

Stella gave us her name. Stella is a Stella if we have ever met a Stella!
Stella needs to be heard. Stella is a fighter. Stella is strong.
Today our lives are different, with her birth we grew out of our comfortable box and really began to live. Through this transition that she brought with her, we were never really comfortable and that is because we were changing. Stella showed us where we were lost and taught us that we could be found. She has pushed the START button on our lives and we are off, we are off and away. Stella is a Saint and we love her with every last inch of our being. Happy Birthday, my Baby Bear!!! YOU are my muse.