Chapter 2: Retrain your brain

Answer fast!
What ways is your mind working AGAINST you?
In EVERY way! I have learned that there is such thing as TOO much self-awareness. In attempting to live in a way that pleases everyone, I am all to aware of how I am at every moment. What makes this self-defeating thought process even more ridiculous is that most of what I believe about myself is most certainly false! Have you ever taken a moment to see yourself the way God sees you?

Rate yourself as a Positive thinker: 2.
I have felt that my negative attitude was inherited from my negative grandmother and that there was little I could do about it. While my attitude has made me cynical and judgemental, it has also paved the way for an amateur career in stand-up comedy. The real reason that I am so negative is that I don't know how to change it. Thus the reason for this book. I am diving into it head first and by actively involving myself, I am praying to make a permanent shift in my thought process.

Specific situation that I need to believe that God is greater than my difficulties?
My day to day worries and fears. I am swallowed whole every morning by my fear and anxiety about my girls, about work, about how we will get through the day. I have had glimmers of peace and contenment. I long for this to be my waking thought and feeling, rather than the last thing I think of before I try to sleep. I feel that I wear a coat of worry,it is my most comfortable item of clothing. I fail to acknowledge that God is attempting to take my coat from me so I can enjoy the party and show the world the incredible clothes that I am wearing underneath.

Remember an occasion when my negative attitude provoked a negative response and how I could have been more positive in that situation:
Our first year of marriage was no picnic. My whole attitude entering this marriage was negative. Our life had been very much like a fairy tale while we were living in SLO. Everyday felt like a dream. When Boise came calling and Pete decided that this was the best move for his career and insisted that I come along, things became very real. I immediately went into my default setting of Negative Nelly and became very defensive. Once we worked through that and I realized that 1. It takes an incredible man to be better than no man and 2. Pete IS that man, it made the decision to move a little easier. Trying to imagine my life wthout him for a moment made my heart stop. We very quickly planned our wedding and moved to Idaho the next day. This sudden uprooting from my life and everything and everyone I had ever known caused a paradigm shift that even the strongest, most confident women would have had trouble adjusting too. I felt like a whole new life had begun and I was lagging behind. Our parents assisted in the move, helped us get settled, the left us alone. It was bizarre. I left California with a boyfriend who became a fiancee, then before I could get comfortable with that word, I had a husband. I was "alone" in Idaho as a wife. Pete went to work almost immediately after our arrival here and it was the dead of a freezing winter. I had all kinds of time to sit and stew in my own helplessness and I became angry, enraged at times. Pete didn't know what to do with me! I began blaming him for my sorry perception, never accepting that this was as much my decision as it was his. Instead of seeing the endless opportunities that were available to both of us at the time, I chose to believe that my life was "better" anywhere but here! After 5 years of constant adjusting and tinkering with the machine that is the Pete and Meems show, we are better than we could have dreamed. My negative thinking entering this union and this state made the first year anything but a "honeymoon" period. This man is truly the most patient and loving man I could have ever dreamed of sharing my life with. I almost lost it all before we even started. Thank God for the blessing that is our life in Idaho!

Made a Mountain out of a molehill lately?
In a word, Yes. All the time. I have turned my decision to open Meemee's Daycare into the worst decision of my life. That is not it, but everyday since I decided to close has been the longest day of my life. Always a mountain to climb in my brain!!!

A current circumstance where I need to believe God's law instead of Murphy's Law?
Pete's career. The only thing consistent about Pete's job is that it is inconsistent. We moved to Idaho for the Pete and Joe Morning Show on J105. That station is no longer and neither is the Pete and Joe Show. Contract expiration dates have come and gone and he is still live on the air on 100.3 the X in the afternoons. He has been blessed beyond measure in his career, but as his #1 fan and supporter, it has been challenging to have faith in his company and his longevity with them. I have finally allowed myself to settle into our life here and I keep waiting to be uprooted once again for another career opportunity. I am on edge weekly wondering what company news Pete will bring home. I need to remember always that God is in control of our lives, our career choices and will make sure that we are wherever we are suppose to be in his time, not ours.

What is the most negative situation in your life? Then list three positive things about it.
"Adjustment Disorder"/Daycare/perceived job instability at BSU/my income. There are many layers to these situations as they are all interwoven throughout my thought process. Will touch on this again later, but to list three positive things about this dilemma....
1. Daycare is closing!
2. BSU offered me a raise without my asking and they seem to think I am useful.
3. I have recognized my post partum borderline depression and am taking big steps to correct my brain, starting with this blog! So thank you if you are reading!

When was the last time I blamed myself for something that wasn't my fault? Was there another way that I could have handled the situation where I would not be the villain?
Lily Mae is three. Before that, she was two. I have cried myself to sleep for many nights, tossing and turning and imagining the various ways I could have dealt with her differently, I have read many books, checked multiple websites, talked with all of my friends and family about what to do with my fire breathing daughter. I have accepted that I am getting the award for 2010-2011 Most Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Mom! Sorry ladies, but I deserve it, and probably will be in the running for 2012 as well. I dream of being the positive reinforcer, but seldom live up to my own expectation of Awesome Mom. I get frustrated, I say NO all the time, and time-outs or alone time are a frequent occurence in our house. I am sure that everytime I reprimand her, that a little piece of her spirit dies. I could stop demonizing myself by accepting that Lily is a child and children are sinners. That they do not need training on how to be bad. That they are natural "explorers" or "mess makers" as I like to call it. I am not a terrible mother because I want my children to behave. I should stop seeing myself as the villain, rather, I should see myself as a strong mother with children that will someday learn to behave, or be so emotionally devastated that they will always do exactly what I tell them to do!

Do you get your feelings hurt a lot? Could it be that you are personalizing situations? How can that be avoided in the future?
I don't get my feelings hurt easily, but it can happen. I get offended if people comment on my childrens' less than desirable behavior. I would like to be able to avoid this in the future by being able to think of responses to hurtful things that people say immediately, rather than 5 minutes after the fact when I am walking down the street and thinking " You know what I should have said". I do need to be mindful that most people bring a trashbag full of their own garbage wherever they go and they are usually dealing with their own negative thinking.

A challenge you are facing right now? How to expect the best? Two good things that could emerge from this challenge?
This is silly, but Stella is still sleeping in our room. She is seven months old and I am TERRIFIED that she is going to suffocate in her sleep and I am not going to be there to poke and prod her to remind her to breathe. This is a very serious issue for me. I went through this with Lily, and finally sought help when she was about 9 months old. I didn't sleep at all, and I am not sleeping again with Stella. Her Acid Reflux has made it that much harder for me to part with her for 7 to 8 hours of restful sleep. I must put her in her own room and EXPECT her to breathe and sleep soundly. I need to EXPECT that God will be watching over her when I am not. 2 good things that will emerge from this:
1. We will all catch up on 7 months of constantly interrupted sleep.
2. We will all begin to heal our bodies and rest our minds.

In what ways do I need to be more accepting of my own "imperfect areas" or in the way of someone else's imperfect areas that affect me?
I was just talking with my mom about how I have been wired from the very beginning of my life to take care of everyone, to try and fix what I perceive to be broken in other people, to think that I am the only one that knows what is right and what everyone should be doing. I am working feverishly to accept that my path is my path is my path and everyone has their own road to hoe. I had to physically remove myself from my families' lives so I would stop interferring. I know. I have also lived long enough to know that not everyone wants or needs my help! I absorb everything everyone around me is experiencing and I just want to fix it. I think I have strong shoulders, but they are just overloaded with everybody's baggage! I am not perfect and I need to give myself a rest and find my own peace and have faith that everyone else will find theirs too.

The last few weeks have gotten away from me. I am making a valiant effort to update more regularly than I have been. It saves me to have time to sit, write and reflect. Follow Me! I can already feel the positive change taking hold in my brain! If you are on this path with me, may God bless your journey to positive thinking! I have come to realize that if I start thinking positive like a normal person then I may begin doing the things that God put me here to do. This may be something wonderful!