In the beginning.....

Chapter 1: The Power of a Positive YOU!

What do you believe is the most important thought or attitude you need to change in your life?
“We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents.” ~Emerson

I have long held this quote from Emerson’s Self-Reliance close to my heart, but have yet to act on it. I have been aware of my own self-defeating patterns for years, but have not taken action to correct it. There is a me that I am willing to let people know, but there is a vast majority of my being that I hold close.I have always been a leader, but found it easier to lead down the path of least resistance. I have kept myself from trying most anything for fear of failure and worse, fear of what people will think of me. I have kept my faith to myself, discounting all the wonderful blessings that God has bestowed on my life and the lives of those that I love. I haven’t written publicly for fear of criticism, I have not attempted certain jobs for fear of failure. Keeping my beliefs to myself keeps me from having to defend them. Remaining on the bench, so to speak, has kept me from ridicule. Every great thinker has faced up to criticism. That is part of becoming who you are meant to be. The most important attitude I need to change: Fear of my power. Fear of society at large. Fear of my own greatness. Fear of becoming who I am meant to be. Fear of doing what needs to be done. Fear of attempting and failing. Fear of success. Fear of proclaiming out loud that I am a BELIEVER. Fear of accepting that I am happy because something terrible will surely happen if I am truly happy. Fear of saying “I have everything I could need and I am content.”

How to begin making an attitude adjustment?
“I realize that life is not perfect, but with God’s help I am going to be stable even during the storms of life.”

I will begin my confronting all of my fears. I have had the pleasure of speaking with friends and family about their own fears and it is so easy to recognize that their fear becomes the obstacle to their happiness, but when I look at my own fears, they seem insurmountable. I will remember that when change hurts, it is the seed of growth and maturity taking root in my soul. I will pray for the right things in the right way. I will change my language. I will not commiserate with my fellow mothers and naysayers. I will believe that all things are possible in God who strengthens my every movement and every thought.

Trials I have faced and the blessings that have come from them:

Overflowing with the only important thing in this life: LOVE

Unfortunate/disappointing/painful/unfulfilling relationships of all sorts allowed me to hit a bottom that would have never prompted my move to the central coast. This worked in multiple ways: During this time in my life I was either going to end my sorry life or fix it. I had nowhere else to turn, and I have felt for years that God knew things were going to have to turn near fatal to make me lean on Him. Mama always said I was a tough nut to crack! I am a stubborn ass and though I received red flag after red flag, I persisted in my selfish way. I did not look up, I did not look down. I proceeded for years with my tunnel vision thinking that I could do it all on my own. I was empty. I was a shell. I had a void the size of Wisconsin in my heart, on my soul. I called out for help and for an answer, I called out to invite God to fill the void in my life. The phone rang, I was blessed with a job, and I moved. It was at that moment that I gave up my life. I wasn’t doing a very good job at making it happen, so I let go of the reigns. I learned that I could still have fun and be blessed. That was new to me! I always thought that if I went to church that I would have to change. I would have to become a holy roller, one of those people that I always perceived as fake and naive. God met me where I was and blessed me where I was! It didn’t matter what church I went to, God would meet me anywhere. God was working overtime at Mr. Ricks in Avila Beach on Mardi Gras, I met Pete and we have had a marvelous life together. We have two beautiful baby girls. We have a beautiful life and we are full!

We recently experienced a flood/fire in our home on the return from an extended vacation. I knew then that it was God baptizing our lives. We were due for a change. We needed to re-evaluate what we were doing and where we were going. I am now quitting one of my jobs due to stress that I would have never realized I was crumbling under had we not been removed from our home and stripped of our earthly possessions. Turns out all of the “things” we have are pretty burdensome! We have done quite a bit of literal and spiritual cleansing because of it. What a tremendous gift!

What is my biggest mental or emotional challenge when I face storms in my life?

Joyce poses a silly question here. The remainder of this question asks “is it fear, anxiety, impatience, overreacting?” For me, it’s all of those! I am a slave to worry, which I know is evil working in my life. I am trying to quell my worries and thoughts. I am working to remember to be still. I have learned that when times are tough and I feel like I am going to crack it is because I am growing. It is painful to create new wrinkles in your brain, like a toddler cutting teeth, it hurts but it is so worth it, if we wait and we are patient. All the worry, panic, anxiety and overreacting I do hasn’t changed anything. All it has done is cause me pain while continuing to go through the obstacles I have faced. I wish there were times when I could stop speaking, thinking, and worrying. I know that would give me the peace I need in times of strife. I suppose I could stop talking, but how would the girls know what to do!?! Perhaps utilizing other forms of communication would help to stop the worry and the panic!

How is your relationship with God? What can I do to improve it?

I can honestly say that I don’t know. There have been times that I have been able to communicate with God like he were my homeboy, most of the time though, I do not put God first. I stress out in my own thoughts and my own worry. I only go to God after I have moved well into my defeatist attitude. I intend to think more about what God wants me to do, rather than what I think I should do. I will talk to God more, however I choose too. I have always pictured God in my passenger seat while I am driving. With the chaos that is my children, communicating with anyone, real or imagined, has become a thing of the past. I will carve out a moment in my day to be at peace with God, praising him from whom all blessings flow!

Am I good at keeping things in perspective?
In a word, NO! I play out every scenario, usually horrendous scenarios where everyone dies or gets hurt in some irreparable way. Everyday that is bad is the end of the world. I stress and stress and stress. In writing this, it sounds absurd and it is! I look forward to changing this. Pete helps me realize that my perspective is way off. It helps to have him around to remind me that I am a basketcase.

And that is the end of chapter 1. I may change the format or elaborate more at times. I don’t know if this interesting but it is therapeutic. My hope is that this will give you all a moment to reflect and look inward for what is truly important in our lives. In a time when we have little time, this may be the best way to change our thought process, to meditate on our spiritual life and to grow closer to God in a time when most women are experiencing a faith hiatus!