We are preparing for a long trip with the girls. There is a lot to do. It is summer and everyone is hot and travelling. I have been planning and plotting every step of this journey like I am the one in charge. I am packing in my head every night and day to be sure that we don't forget ANYTHING. I am cleaning the house so we don't come home to a disaster. I am a tea kettle that is about to scream. I am a rolling boil.
I am 32. I have lived long enough to have gathered some wisdom regarding expectations. This became abundantly clear when Pete and I were first married. The weekend before my birthday was a dream. Pete rented a cabin in the woods. We played games, we ate like kings, and celebrated like David Hasselhoff. On my actual birthday a few days after we arrived back in reality I was devastated because Pete didn't do anything special for me. The nerve! I had expected him to show up at my work on a white stallion and wisk me away to a romantic lunch with champagne and roses. I couldn't believe that he didn't know that he was suppose to do that! The next few days were wonderful as you can imagine. When the dust had settled and we were speaking again it became clear that my expectations were a bit excessive. Now we have learned that when our life is active and we have multiple events on the horizon to check in with each other and ask,"expectations?" It is a joke of course, but expectations can be the undoing of many wonderful and joyous occasions.
In my cleaning and packing binge that I have been on for the last few days, I have "expected"everyone in this house to be aware of my plan. I have expected Lily to behave and help. I have expected Stella to sleep and eat while I am busybusybusy cleaningpackingcleaningpacking. I have expected Pete to feed off my nervous energy and get with the program. I have been disapointed. Why? Expectations. I should learn to expect everyone and everything to fall apart when it absolutely cannot. I have been a mommy long enough to know that. So why, then, have I not made this belief a part of my brain chemistry? Why do I continue to strive for perfection and order? Expectations, control, and denial. I must strive for acceptance and learn to roll with the jokes that God is throwing at me everyday. In a blog post from a while back I addressed a question from Power Thoughts about how I believe my relationship with God is. My answer today is that I feel that he is a practical joker and is laughing everytime I try to exert some control over events yet to transpire. You know why? Because I AM NOT IN CONTROL of what is going to happen!!! I can be prepared, but over-preparation will make me crazy. I can be ready, but expecting everyone and everything to fall into my plan will only lead to disapointment and failure. Disapointment and failure that I have created myself by creating my unreachable expectations. And round and round we go with this self-defeating pattern!! How many times must we learn something before we begin to live it?
We are flying with Stella"Idon'tknowhowtostopmoving"Ann in a few days. I am expecting the absolute worst. I am having shirts made that say "We hate flying with babies too" in big block letters. I am creating a sign that reads "We apologize for our daughter sounding like a fire alarm." I have called the airline to warn them that we are coming and to ask that they seat us next to the luggage and the jet-setting designer pets. Negative Expectations = Positive Results? I am afraid this all we can do for now!
Happy and Safe Travels to all!
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