Play with me

Waist deep into So Long, Insecurity and I have only cried my eyes out 8 times. I am shedding light on some realizations that I would much rather leave in the dark closet of my life. I know that I am insecure and I know that there are a million reasons why. I know that I want to be secure and confident in all I do. I have a picture in my head of the women that I long to be and she is so far away that I feel it will take a miraculous act of God if I am to ever meet her. I started this journey with the Power Shower over a year ago in an attempt to encourage women all over ( or just in my immediate circle!) to go out and Get It, go out and Own it, go out and Be It, go out and Do it, and for goddsakes, grow a pair! I have vacilated between feeling really really good and awful. I have been on the awful streak for too long now and I no longer feel that I can listen to myself anymore. How far has my security fallen? I believe the devil has a field day when I am feeling my best. I believe this is where evil is laid and hatched. It is not a long trip from feeling high on life to the wicked burning sensation of self-doubt and self-loathing. We are women and we all experience this yin and yang in our lives. I know it and I see it. I am part of it. I have created some of it for others and I want to STOP IT. A vow of silence doesn't seem like a bad idea for now. I would choose to believe that my insecurites live and die with me, but I have given birth to two gorgeous breeding grounds for insecurity. Summer brings endless opportunity for playdates. Lily is approaching an age when girls can start cliquing off. It has pained me to no end to hear her say to me on more than one occasion, "They don't want to play with me." Or, "So-and-so has other friends." My heart breaks. I want her to know that she can be herself and not worry about the "other girls". I want her to say, "Whatever" and be okay with who she is. She is silly and active and very rough and tough. When she plays with boys she is happy because she can be a lion and they will just play along with her. Today she told me she was being "the bad tiger" so the boys didn't want to play with her. For as tough as she pretends to be, there is still a fragile little girl that can have her feelings hurt in an instant. I have found that that little girl is alive and well in each one of us still. I hear it when Lily is sad and I tell her to "Stop playing Lions. It scares people." I am essentially telling her to conform and be like everyone else. She is a really good lion. She can put the Lion King on Broadway to shame. Why is that my go-to? I have buckled under societal pressures for most of life. My nose was too big for too long, the kids teased me unmercifully. I had it fixed when I was 17, but the damage was done. That hurt and angry little girl is still there underneath my rough and tough exterior. For too long I have fought conforming while conforming and the lion in me died long ago. I want Lily and Stella to be the head of their own Pride of Lions and forget about the rest of the herds. I need to stop projecting my own insecurities onto them. They see too much of who I am and what I do. I need to show them how to be confident, secure women. The future of Pride Rock depends on it. Hakuna Matata!

Cleaning House

Hey Ladies~ It is time to clean this house and by clean I mean cleanse my brain of all the filth that has been piling up over the last several months. I have long since fancied myself a writer. You can clearly see that that ship sailed on January 25. That was the last time I wrote anything that wasn't a check or a grocery list. When that happens and so much time passes without a good deep cleanse, I become blocked. My energy piles higher and higher until I become so overloaded that I come frightenly close to exploding. And not in a good way most times. I have a writing assignment that is due...way overdue actually...in a few days. I don't remember how to be creative and to get into a good writing place right now. I don't know what to write or how to make anything make sense. The Power Shower has become a trickle. I am now getting involved in a new book that is wonderful and I want to share and shout it from the rooftops and I want to write about it and write it outloud and make it clear and easy for everyone to harnass. So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. I am just learning about who Beth Moore is and she is awesome. She is insanely insecure, so am I. So are you. I am battle-worn from my fight against this disease and it is swallowing me whole. I need to read it and I am out of time to read it. I am deeply vested in my Thirty-One business and it has been wonderful but I have let it become work instead of the blessing that it is meant to be. I am working at Boise State a few hours a week, but the logistics of getting there and getting anything done coupled with the guilt of leaving Pete with the girls multiple nights a week is piling up and making it hardly worth the money I am making while I am there. I ignore the girls to such a degree that they are wondering where I am when I am right in front of them. Something has got to give. I was offered an opportunity with Boise State to work as much as I want or as little. You can't pass that up, right? I promoted twice within a year with Thirty-One... that has to be good right? I am home with the girls everyday so that makes me a good mom if I am not mistaken? So why oh why am I feeling overwhelmed and pulled in all directions always? Why can't I make sense out of what I am doing and what direct purpose I am serving? Is there a purpose, a goal in sight or is this just some sick cycle that I am in with working and working and working all the time. I have incredible guilt when I am not making cents. I will only go out with a business purpose in mind. I am addicted to work, actual work. I am not working as a means to an end. I work because I have to because I don't know who I am if I am not working. I am a Mom and I have to be a mom because I have the girls and they need their mom. I have been trying to be both full-time mom and full-time employee (working BSU 1/4 time and working Thirty-One ALL THE TIME = Full time?) but not getting anywhere. So WHAT AM I DOING? and WHY? I want to help women be all they can be. I want you to know that you matter and that you can do anything you want to do. I want you to know that you can reach your goals with determination and tenacity. I just can't do that for me. It is summer. Lily is out of preschool so we have lost some structure to our weeks. Stella is still the child that screams even though she can now communicate through other more effective ways like talking. I can't help but to feel that her scream is a siren warning me that I am missing something in my quest to stay busy all the time everyday and have something to do always. I am missing THEM. I am missing them growing up and making sure that they know that they matter. Perhaps I should focus more on the road right in front of me rather than on the trip I am actually taking. Maybe I should do less travelling by map and more travelling by experiences and wonder with my children. That is afterall what this quest to find the perfect job while raising my children has been about, has it not? I fought and I fought against the system to be around my girls while they were growing up, but it seems that all I have really been fighting is how to not acquire the "stay at home mom" title while being a mom that stays at home. Money is a factor. Bills are an issue. Childcare is expensive. So is gas. And coffee. And playdates. The money I am making makes it possible for us to enjoy those things so maybe it is all worth it. I will be writing more about So Long Insecurity and my battle with self-doubt and self-preoccupation. I will find the answer to the question, " Are you mad at me?" once and for all and for that I am hopeful and excited!

While spending my time in the Power Shower I think about all the wonderful things that I pray for my family. I pray that Pete is forever fulfilled in whatever job he is doing, I pray that Lily and Stella grow to be strong, amazing, confident, self-sufficient women, I pray that all of our family and friends continue to be showered with all the blessings from God that is afforded them. I pray that He continues to shine his light on all of us and show us that light when we are most discouraged. Then I get out of the Power Shower and actually have to live this life.

I pray for patience and I am met with a precious, precocious 4 year old whining "Heymommy, Heymommy, Heymommy".....her whining is suddenly drowning in the painful cry of her younger, cursed baby sister.
"What happened?" I ask, fearful of the answer I will receive.
"Stella fell."
"How in the world did that happen?"
"I pushed her."

So what do I do? I attempt to pray again for answers or a sign of some forgotten parenting advice that I heard years ago. Nothing. Slowly, slowly, my patience vanishes and is replaced with an increasing anger. This has happened 13027 times. Over and over. Time-out after time-out. I take things away from her. I restrict our activities for a few days. I remove all sugar from her diet. On and on it goes. Is it Cain and Abel or Lily and Stella? I cannot tell the difference at this point.

We made a chart together yesterday of all of the rules she needs to follow. She made the rules. There are 4. She wanted 16. I thought we should start small.
1. Listen to Mom and Dad (this actually means doing exactly what we say WHEN we say it the 1st time. We are hoping that this translates into toddler/child speak)
2. Be Nice To Stella (Lily reads this as Be Gentle with My Sister)
3. Pick up your toys.
4. No crying in the bath, brushing teeth, or hair.

She threw a spoon at Stella's head today.
I took away her night time lovies.
Since she was a baby I have closed her door as I run my two fingers down past my eyes as a way to tell her to close her eyes and then I blow her a kiss. If I don't do this she will cry until I do.
She didn't even look at me when I left her room tonight. And she never cried.

I should probably get used to her hating me sometimes. I know it will only get worse as she grows and the big problems we are experiencing now become so minuscule that we don't remember them. It hurts my heart, but I know not what to do.

I know this: Those girls will love and respect each other when they are old if it kills me.....which it may sooner than we think! I am thinking positively about most things. They will always be the variable to my own personal peace of mind. That is okay, that is all part of the job.

Back on the wagon

Happy New Times!
2011 went whirling, twirling by, crashing into the end of December. Suddenly, January is half-over and I am still wishing it was Christmas!
In my 32 years in this planet, life makes more sense. Our year was full of stretching, pushing, and growing into our lives. We made peace with our surroundings. We squeezed the life out of change and I am sad to put it to bed.
I know that the world keeps spinning and that calendars are man-made. January 1st is the same as January 16th. The sun went down on a day and crept up behind the mountains the next. I really just took a calendar off the wall and replaced it with a new fancier one. I would like to continue the momentum of 2011. I have looked at 2012 as a blank page...a page that can be colored by disaster or pain. It is not. It is nothing. It doesn't matter. I simply took a break at the end of 2011 because I needed it!
I will resume Power Thoughts because I NEED TO! I have found myself lost in fear again. Fear of silly things that may or may not come to pass. I have been worrying a lot. I need to reign in my basketcasiness.
I learned today that I have a nickname in a circle of friends that I love dearly, but have known for a short-time. They call me Waterfall on account of my many tears. My first reaction was to be offended...but then it became endearing. I am a weepy gal. God speaks to me that way. My heart is open to the human experience and if that makes me a Waterfall than so be it! May God Bless your New Year and make his face shine on all that you do! I would advise each and everyone of you to CHANGE THE THINGS that trouble you TODAY! What have you got to lose?

5 steps back

Life is chaotic and I am not sure it is suppose to be. We have become slaves to the bills we have to pay and slaves to our children that need our attention not only when they are awake, but when they wake at 30 minute intervals in the wee hours of the morning. I saw a promo for a show that Dr. Oz is going about Perimenopausal women. All the women that they show bear a striking resemblance to me lately. Would that make me perimenopausal? I have a new theory. The women yelling and screaming, really crying out for someone to listen the first time rather than when it has reached crisis mode is nothing more than a symptom of our workworkwork society. I know I am not alone in feeling that there just not enough hours in the day to get everything done. Our "family fun time" is limited to 5 min in the evening when Pete gets home from work and I am running out to one of my evening jobs. The days get swallowed up in a sea of tears and fights between my two girls. I am seeking pleasure, laughter, and enjoyment and I am coming up short. I know what fun and excitement are and maybe that is to my own peril. Our pastor says these are the "dark years" and I would have to agree.
Picture this: Hundreds of years ago our ancestors worked the land and made all their own food. They went where they needed to go and had time for each other. Their was stress to be sure, but this was a time before everything was an emergency, before technology gave us all ADD. Before every last bit of your existence was valued by how much money you make and when you pay your bills. I long for that time. I believe we went wrong somewhere. I would be exiled if I blamed the Women's Movement, but I do. I often say I would have lived better in the early 1900's, before women had the right to vote and everything went to hell!!! As women, we are better at most things, multi-tasking, nurturing, understanding the big picture, making things happen. I would not be surprised if God was more feminine than we give HIM credit for. God created life and so did I.
My nerves are shot, Stella's screaming sounds like a Pteradactyl on a megaphone. My circadian rhythm is waaay off and I don't sleep well and I don't sleep right. The wheels have come off and I am not sure when it happened. I need a vacation. Or maybe I am just Perimenopausal.

Stella B.

One year ago today I awoke with a start
One year ago today I had to make arrangements for childcare.
One year ago today Pete had to call in to cancel his on-air duties for the day.
One year ago today my parents drove 13 hours.
One year ago today I met the most amazing Labor and Delivery staff at St.Lukes in Boise, Idaho.
One year ago today, Pete and I fell in love with Man vs. Food on the Travel Channel.
One year ago today, I felt honest to goodness contractions with no help from Pitocin.
One year ago today, we swore we were having a baby named Beau Randall.
One year ago today, I pushed and pushed for 15 minutes and I watched as Stella Ann Stauffer entered this world.
One year ago today, I held an angel to my chest and watched intently as she looked into my soul.
One year ago today, I saw the world in my baby's eyes.
One year ago today, I met a woman that was put on this earth with purpose and determination.
One year ago today, a precious life completed our family and we have never been the same.

Stella gave us her name. Stella is a Stella if we have ever met a Stella!
Stella needs to be heard. Stella is a fighter. Stella is strong.
Today our lives are different, with her birth we grew out of our comfortable box and really began to live. Through this transition that she brought with her, we were never really comfortable and that is because we were changing. Stella showed us where we were lost and taught us that we could be found. She has pushed the START button on our lives and we are off, we are off and away. Stella is a Saint and we love her with every last inch of our being. Happy Birthday, my Baby Bear!!! YOU are my muse.

Feral or Not?

While driving with my ladies this afternoon, we made a wrong turn in Meridian, Idaho. I quickly made a U-turn at the end of the road and my eyes fell on a baby kitten sitting patiently, looking longingly into my soul for help. I was in a hurry as the ladies auditioned for GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling)in the backseat. I grabbed my phone and called the Humane Society in Boise. No answer. Proceeded to call the Nampa Humane Society and learned they can't do anything in the Meridian area. They referred me to Meridian Animal Control. I made the call expecting someone who cares to answer the phone. A women who I will call Marge, as she sounded like a Marge, said "Oh Lady, there are feral cats all over the city. Good luck catching them. We only do dogs." The kittens multiplied before my eyes. I counted 2,4, maybe even 6? Through the fence behind them lurked a larger black cat. Mama? I made a last desperate call to the Boise Humane Society again. They were little help as well as Meridian is out of there jurisdiction. They said that I could pick them up and bring them in for a fee.
I sat back while Stella screamed and Lily hopped from the front to the backseat in a single bound. I felt helpless and cursed my god-given cat allergies. What could I do? The kitties rollicked and played. Were they in immediate danger? Probably not. After a quick call to Pete we decided we would go back later this evening. I drove away feeling empty.
I made one more phone call to my dear friend and closest friend of the felines that I knew, Sarah Weber. I remembered a feral cat taking up residence in her backyard soon after our move to Boise. At the time, I thought Feral was an exotic feline breed and wondered why she would be in such haste to remove these priceless kittens from her property. She put my mind at ease when she shared the nature of a feral cat. The Mama Cat probably found this random street in Meridian to be the safest place to raise her brood. She was stalking the situation while I sat and pondered how to rescue her family when they may not need rescuing at all.
Though she is without an owner and the kittens are not licensed and fed Friskies, they are probably happy living day to day, depending solely on their survival instincts and nature.
I felt a kinship to the Mama Kitty as I remembered having my babies in our busy, errand filled chaotic life. How I wished then that I could hole up in a barn somewhere in a bed of hay to nurse and cuddle my infants. We are equipped with survival instincts, we could live free of the convenience and intervention of modern society. This Mama found a cozy, safe place for her kitties and they were probably just fine. They just need their Mom!
(still not sure what to do, though!!)

OMG!!!!

Just a quick note about kids these days:
I am sitting at the Treasure Valley Coffee Roastere. A family of 3 children and their grandfather are sitting just in front of me. The language and the idiocy echoing from this group is astounding. I am terrified of my little ladies growing up and becoming bitter and angry like the two girls. From what I gather they hate EVERYONE that they go to school with, even the pretty best friend. I believe one girl is part of a couple and they made no bones about arguing in front of everyone, including their grandfather. They have been talking about making out with boys and potentially having herpes.
OMG! And the fights about facebook posts and who likes who. I want to shoot myself.

Cry;I love you.

We spent the last several weeks in a state of vacation. And now it is time for vacation deflation. A time to reflect and debrief on the goings on in our families and in our lives. It is a strange life to be so far away that we have to cram a years worth of family life into the days that we get to be together once a year. It makes me yearn for a day when we can become a bi-state rather than a tri-state family. It is taxing on us and the girls, although they don't know it yet. I had several moments over these last few weeks where I allowed the tears to flow. They were happy and sad tears, overwhelmed and overjoyed tears, they were sympathy and empathy tears. I spent moments with the precious lives that we are connected to and I am so grateful. We are so very very blessed. It is natural, I suppose, to want to move "home" while we are together. It makes me wonder how in the hell we ended up in Idaho in the first place and I think about our plan to move here with the intention of staying no longer than 2 years. Our life took several drastic turns and now we are reluctantly planted and there is no clear vision of when we can return "home".
In an effort to remain positive, however, I will adjust! I had some time for some personal growth and was reminded of two very important rules for this life.

1. It is okay to cry.
2. Make sure people know that you love them.

I read somewhere that tears release hormones that can contribute to depression. I do not remember where I gathered this information, but it helps me as I am a cryer! I have also seen the toll that repression of emotions can take on a person and on the people that surround that person and that is not fair to anyone. If you need to cry, cry. Get it out, feel it, and get over it.

Love. It can be a hard to express. I am reminded of the night that Pete attempted to say I LOVE YOU for the first time to me. He took several deep breathes, then he would catch himself. I am not sure what he was afraid of and I sure wasn't going to say it first! I have always followed the thought that when you part with someone, make sure that your last words convey what you would want them to know if you were never going to see them again. I am not afraid to say I love you and I know that it drips from my pores when I am parting ways with our families. I have never had a problem with this, but it is more serious to me now that we are an island separated by an ocean of desolate land from our homes, from our people.

So, to the Nalywaiko-Stauffer-Franco-Gerth-Hougan-Koelpin-Fix-Heckendorf-Klug-Richardson-Kaulitz-Little-Chambers-Park families.... I LOVE YOU....and now I am going to go cry about it!

Show me your Faith!!

In an effort to get back to the purpose of this blog I am going to complete chapter 3 of Power Thoughts. Finally!

How can you demonstrate faith instead of fear?
Suspend disbelief. On my quest to positive thinking I have been amazed at the Lord's ability to make something from nothing. Months ago, I fell prey to some pretty serious post-partum depression. I have decided to embrace this diagnosis as I learned it is real and it happens...to the best of us.
Denial was large part of my problem. I didn't want to be the one with the issue. I didn't want to take medication to deal with life's naturally occuring hormonal imbalance after childbirth. I wanted to put on my armor of stress and worry and battle through the war in my head. It began to affect my body as well and I became concerned that there was more to worry and anxiety that I was experiencing. I read website after website trying to diagnose myself. I realized that I could answer yes to most of the symptoms that post-partum sufferers experience. Numbness? What does that mean? I felt like someone had shot novacaine into my veins and I couldn't feel myself. Really. Like when you go to the dentist for some serious work and they numb you. Then you leave and for the next several hours you pinch your cheeks trying to feel something, anything. That is how I felt for days on end. Every scenario that I played out in my head led to someone's death.
I had filled my plate with too many tasks and it was crumbling. I was empty and had nothing. With God's help I was able to see that I needed to rebuild my life. Months later, I am amazed at the changes that have occurred in our life since that dark time. I have to talk. I have to share. I have to write it out and get it out. I have to ask for help when I need it. If I don't ask, I cannot expect anyone to know what I need. It is okay to take care of yourself and to admit when you can't do EVERYTHING. We try so hard to accomplish a year's worth of work in a day. We drive and drive and drive ourselves crazy! This is lunacy!
On my way home from work yesterday I was (reluctantly) listening to a country station as there were only commercials on every other station (so thank you Boise for buying airtime!) I heard a song that I believe is called "Remind Me" by Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood. In it, they sing about reminding each other of the love they once shared. The passion of the beginning of the relationship. It made me think about our life as of late and how it seems to have started out chaotic from the moment the wheels of the plane hit the tarmack in Boise. The plane vomitted us out into work, kids, laundry,stress,cleaning,and more work. I am grateful for our life and know that if it wasn't for the love that Pete and I shared in the beginning, we wouldn't have these things. Honestly though, it doesn't seem that we have had even a moment to have a conversation since we left for vacation. That is the downside to being a piece in this well oiled machine we call our life. If we let too much time pass, suddenly it will have been years and we will have to remind each other about the love that got us here in the first place. Let us all be conscious of working for the life and the love that we want and need. Suspend your disbelief and know that God wants a positive life for us all. Even more than we do. Once we let God truly take control, we get to sit back and watch what happens.

Best....Summer....EVER!

We arrived home from our 11 day Wisconsin Extravaganza feeling refreshed, relaxed, and inspired! 2011 had begun as a year of growth and renewal due to our welcome home flood that we received from the Lord in January. I am continually surprised at the twists and turns this year has taken and never moreso than in these last few weeks. Perhaps it was the massage that I treated myself to before our journey began, or that the girls were especially wonderful on all of our flights. It could have been the knowledge that we were far away from the chaos of our lives and had everything we needed packed neatly into 4 suitcases. Whatever the case, we all seemed to sleep a little better.
I planned to write more while we were vacationing as I was inspired hourly by the pleasant souls I had the pleasure of sharing some time with. I want to address several topics such as asking for help, what LOVE really is, and calm. I need to discuss Stellabella on the plane. I need to write about my expanding career with Thrity-One and I need to finish Power Thoughts for goodness sake!!! That was the whole point of this blog in the first place. The trial was to see if the book could actually work and apparently it has worked all to well as I am too busy to read, too pleased with life to think negatively about it. What has happened over the last several weeks? What is in that dairy air in Wisconsin? And will this vacation elation last into the fall and heaven forbid the much dreaded winter?
I was asked if I could update this blog more frequently and the answer is YES. I will need to because I was going to ask if you could vote for my blog in the PARENTS magazine blog awards. I figure I will need to find a way to be compensated for my time so I can quit a job! So go to

By Funniest Mom Blog

I think.....I feel like I fell off the track as of late, but plan to get back on...starting tomorrow! I have had a crazy day and Stella is up again....sleep training came to a screeching halt while we were away. Figures. And now we have another trip in 7 days. Driving this time. Wouldn't it be funny if that trip ends up being the worst?

You've said it all

Feeling incredibly blessed....
It is not often in our lives that we are absolutely enveloped in LOVE and for now, I am. I am going to wallow in the blessings that have so generously been poured over me in these last several months. I am going to take these precious moments and sit with them and see what they have to offer. I will go forward knowing that with new surroundings come new experiences and new experiences bring learning and growth. It is time to thrive! On to Lofty Pines!!!

Expect the best?

We are preparing for a long trip with the girls. There is a lot to do. It is summer and everyone is hot and travelling. I have been planning and plotting every step of this journey like I am the one in charge. I am packing in my head every night and day to be sure that we don't forget ANYTHING. I am cleaning the house so we don't come home to a disaster. I am a tea kettle that is about to scream. I am a rolling boil.
I am 32. I have lived long enough to have gathered some wisdom regarding expectations. This became abundantly clear when Pete and I were first married. The weekend before my birthday was a dream. Pete rented a cabin in the woods. We played games, we ate like kings, and celebrated like David Hasselhoff. On my actual birthday a few days after we arrived back in reality I was devastated because Pete didn't do anything special for me. The nerve! I had expected him to show up at my work on a white stallion and wisk me away to a romantic lunch with champagne and roses. I couldn't believe that he didn't know that he was suppose to do that! The next few days were wonderful as you can imagine. When the dust had settled and we were speaking again it became clear that my expectations were a bit excessive. Now we have learned that when our life is active and we have multiple events on the horizon to check in with each other and ask,"expectations?" It is a joke of course, but expectations can be the undoing of many wonderful and joyous occasions.
In my cleaning and packing binge that I have been on for the last few days, I have "expected"everyone in this house to be aware of my plan. I have expected Lily to behave and help. I have expected Stella to sleep and eat while I am busybusybusy cleaningpackingcleaningpacking. I have expected Pete to feed off my nervous energy and get with the program. I have been disapointed. Why? Expectations. I should learn to expect everyone and everything to fall apart when it absolutely cannot. I have been a mommy long enough to know that. So why, then, have I not made this belief a part of my brain chemistry? Why do I continue to strive for perfection and order? Expectations, control, and denial. I must strive for acceptance and learn to roll with the jokes that God is throwing at me everyday. In a blog post from a while back I addressed a question from Power Thoughts about how I believe my relationship with God is. My answer today is that I feel that he is a practical joker and is laughing everytime I try to exert some control over events yet to transpire. You know why? Because I AM NOT IN CONTROL of what is going to happen!!! I can be prepared, but over-preparation will make me crazy. I can be ready, but expecting everyone and everything to fall into my plan will only lead to disapointment and failure. Disapointment and failure that I have created myself by creating my unreachable expectations. And round and round we go with this self-defeating pattern!! How many times must we learn something before we begin to live it?
We are flying with Stella"Idon'tknowhowtostopmoving"Ann in a few days. I am expecting the absolute worst. I am having shirts made that say "We hate flying with babies too" in big block letters. I am creating a sign that reads "We apologize for our daughter sounding like a fire alarm." I have called the airline to warn them that we are coming and to ask that they seat us next to the luggage and the jet-setting designer pets. Negative Expectations = Positive Results? I am afraid this all we can do for now!

Happy and Safe Travels to all!

It starts with FEAR

What would your life be like free of fear?

Stable and consistant. Fear drives my every thought, even still, even more now because I know what it is like to have less fear and more faith. Fear-free Me would be sure of everything and more daring. Fear-free Me would never worry or have doubt. Fear-free Me would never be insecure when friends didn't call me back right away or when I was in a new group of people. Fear-free Me would be happy always. Fear-free Me would be well rested.

Is fear causing you to live a safe but boring life?

This is all relative. I hear from different branches of our family tree about how chaotic our life is. We have had our moments of no-fear and have done miraculous things. As far as writing goes, absolutely YES I am safe but boring. As far as raising the girls, absolutely YES. I won't take them anywhere that they may be in danger of being taken. This is a huge driving fear in my life. As far as giving away trust, Absolutely YES, safe and boring as I hoard the trust that I could choose to so freely give away.

How can I not let fear control me?

I have been taught to equate fear with caution. You can be cautious and fearless. I am working on this, but I have lost my momentum. Should I start over? My goal was to finish this and now I am all over the map. I honestly do not kow how to loose my fear leash. I must take this to the Lord in prayer. Fear is what holds my body together. If I let it go, I may fall apart. If I lose my fear edge, the good Lord may decide to take me home.
Have faith, not fear. This is scary.

Am I running from anything in my life?

I suppose I am running from my personal history. Dude, I have the worst writers block in history!!! Will continue or edit or change

^Read the Power Nap! Tab ^

Jump!

I have eluded to the fact that I have spent the majority of my life looking for the next party. Well, all of that practice seems to be paying off....Finally!!! I was invited to join the Thirty-One Gifts family on June 15th. I had been waiting for this since February. All of that waiting gave me time to think about this and to really weigh the reality vs. the fantasy of what direct selling is all about. I had never viewed myself as one of "those moms" that sells Tupperware or Mary Kay or what have you, but as I have also mentioned before, I never saw myself enjoying a minivan or motherhood or marriage. So my life has become one big fat cliche. If I have learned anything from cliche's its that something about them must work or they would never achieve cliche status. Working toward acceptance!
I will say this: I had my first party on Tuesday thank you to one of my wonderful girlfriends! I felt like I was on fire. It was unreal! The party was a tremendous success and that was a joy in itself, but something else was happening. I had never enjoyed anything so much in my life and if this can be my real job someday I will consider myself the luckiest girl in the world!
During my pondering period between February and June, I thought about all the reasons I might enjoy this type of "work". I really do enjoy public speaking as much as I hate to admit it. My inner critic is very very loud when it comes to speaking positively about myself or anything that I enjoy or dream of doing. I believe this is true for all of us and that critic keeps us in our boxes, not caring at all to punch out the walls and see what exists beyond what we believe we are capable of.
I am a huge believer in jumping off cliffs. I implore all of you to find something that you think you cannot do, walk up to the edge of whatever it is, close your eyes, and JUMP! That is what I have done with Thirty-One. I am going to ride this wave and see where it takes me. I have lofty goals, but I am going to work very hard to not overthink it. I do want to become a director by June 15th, 2012. Now its out there and the reason I blog at all is to keep myself accountable, so there you go.
I will return to the Power Shower once I have figured out my party schedule! I know some amazing and encouraging women that are hosting my first few parties and for that I am eternally grateful! Thank you for helping me live this!!
In the meantime find something to jump off or jump into!

Unconditional Love

"There will a come, you'll see, when Love wll not break your heart, but dismiss your fears." ~Mumford and Sons

I walked in from the ledge I was standing on in my last post. We are all permitted to falter on our quest to greatness, right? Let's get into it, then!
The 2nd Power Thought that we are working on is to remember everyday that we are loved UNCONDITIONALLY by God, always and forever!
(a reminder for blog readers: bolded questions are from the book, my answers follow. Answer too, for yourself. This is a great way to check in and to center yourself amidst your busy life!)

How do you believe God feels about you?

I think that God has spent the last 20 years of my life frustrated by me and my choices. During my teens and early twenties I was somewhat of a huge jerk. During my moments of terrible decision making, it was clear that God was trying to make me look to Him, but in my own selfish and arrogant way, I proceeded down my own road, feeling more helpless and more hopeless as I trudged forth. I feel that God and I struck a deal when I was 25 that He would meet me halfway. I had to make incredible changes in my own life before I was comfortable with God being a living presence in my world. I feel that he is constantly saying, "Amy...(sigh)" exasperated but never giving up on me.

You may want to stop reading here: I have to get braggy....
List 5 things right/good about you..
1. I am honest
2. I am empathetic
3. I have an amazing family (outlaws and in-laws)
4. I am funny and fun
5. I am loyal
*Please, if you read this blog just once, do this for yourself. It is one of the hardest things to do since it is so easy to be self-defeating.*

Do you regularly receive God's grace and give it freely to others?
With my infantile understanding of what Grace actually is, I would say that yes, God is constantly in a state of Grace with me if by Grace it means that he is always willing to give me another chance to mess up or succeed, that He is always there to pick me up when I have fallen, and that He continues to bless my life with amazing people and experiences, though I don't deserve it.
No, I am not free with my Grace toward others. I hold grudges. I don't forget the wrongs that have been committed against me and I don't often give people the benefit of the doubt. I shut people out of my life if I have learned that they cannot be trusted in their words and actions.

Do you believe that God loves you unconditionally?
Yes, most of the time. Definitely now more than ever, but I feel that God was angry with me when I was in high school and college. I made stupid, near fatal decisions at times and I feel that he was constantly trying so hard to make me listen that he had to shout to get me to turn to him.

Do you have a good relationship with yourself?
Now I do. I have worked so very very hard on my relationship with me. I know who I am and I know how to live with me and I know what I can handle and I know where I stand. And I think I love me.

Do you REALLY believe you are reconciled to God, that He is not angry with you, and that He is completely satisfied and pleased with who you are?

I believe that God loves me and that I am a work in progress and that I won't know for sure where I stand with God until I am actually standing with God.

How do you feel when you think about the fact that you are special and precious to God?
I cry. I feel undeserving. I am often struck with a marathon of tears when we sing "In Christ Alone" in church or when I hear it anywhere. This song is the reason for living, for why we are here. In its simplest form, it defines faith. When I let myself stand alone and allow God to fully embrace me and all of my faults, I feel an overwhelming sense of truth and peace. I learn then that I am content and that He will continue to shine my way if I look and listen and give up all that I cannot control.

Hmm, I am not fully convinced and need to work on this Power Thought for a while. We are constantly thinking about all that we are not instead of focusing on all that we are. When we learn to live with who and what we are, God can work in our lives and bless us. The trick is to be open to love and peace. Work in progress....work in progress.

PS#1 Progress: I can do ALL things....?

Greetings friends and followers! I have been out of sorts lately, have not been writing and generally feel out of sync with where I was just weeks ago. Not physically, but mentally,emotionally. I am uneasy, unsure that the paths we have recently chosen to venture down are the correct paths. I feel that the devil is having a heyday with my doubts and insecurities. That is how he gets me everytime. I fear that is how he gets to all of us. This is how he gets fourteen year old girls to smoke and 30 something year old moms to drink "a little bit" of wine. All the time. We begin to doubt and question, to fall off the hill we have been climbing toward happiness and security. I lose myself when I stray too far from the page. You may ask,"What do I do when I am not writing(running,cooking,singing,playing your chosen sport,etc.)?" Losing Hope, that is what I have been doing. Completely feeling like Debbie Downer as of late, several situations have prompted my surfacing belief that people CANNOT change. Knowing that this is true if people remain in the dark and refuse to become self-aware. I have discovered, or re-discovered as it were, that what troubles me the most about the human race is the COMPLETE LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS that we all exhibit. This could possibly be the SIN that the bible refers to on every single page. This could potentially be the downfall of man. I have worked extensively on myself since I was very very young. I continue to work daily on my thoughts, motives, and actions. It is not that I feel God loves me any less if I am awful to my fellow man, but that I cannot live with myself when I know I have made a mockery of the relationships I have forged. Not a day goes by that I don't ponder the attributes that I can change within my person. Is it terrible that I want every single living, breathing creature to do the same? Am I taking too much on myself and not gving enough to God? Am I not living and working through Power Thought #1 in that I CAN DO EVERYTHING I NEED TO DO IN CHRIST? This may need to be the foundation that I return to daily for the next several weeks or months. I will progress through the 12 Power Thoughts again and again for the next year or so as is suggested in the book. If you have not found a copy yourself, I highly recommend it. Chin up,there is a world waiting for the greatness that is implanted in all of us from the moment we were created!

Power Thought #1: Where do you get your strength?

Whoo Hoo! I have made myself a little busy and have been saying "I need to update, I need to update" every night for the last 2 weeks. Funny, then, that this chapter and this first Power Thought is exactly what I needed at this time. Isn't it amazing how the Lord works?!
Let's get right into it since there are 11 more Power Thoughts and this is the reason for this blog. We are to meditate on each Power Thought for a week. I will update mid-week for each Power Thought. Check in with yourselves, too, to see where you are at.

#1 I CAN DO WHATEVER I NEED TO DO IN LIFE THROUGH CHRIST

What in your life do you need to begin to believe you can do?
Be successful in all things. Mothering my two beautiful girls, working, my new venture with Thirty-One gifts, a Children's Writer course that I am currently taking, keeping everyone healthy and happy while still taking care of myself. I long to finish something. I long to embrace success. I never have and have accepted my life "as-is", dents and all. When I was younger (not that long ago!) I was terrified of marriage and becoming a mother with a mini-van. To me that life was the equivalent of death. Not physical death, but a death of dreams, of individuality, of existing. Well, surprise, surprise, I am there and I am not dead! The van has actually come in handy and I am still searching for my purpose in the wee hours of the evening when everyone decides to sleep at the same time. I am still searching for success in all things. I am sure if I looked hard enough, I would find a few things that I have done, but I do not feel that I am finished, that perhaps this life is an accomplishment in itself.

Do This: How often do you say "This is too hard for me?" or "I can't do this?"

My answer: Occasionally

What will you begin to say to reflect your confidence in God's ability to help you do what you need to do?
I CAN do what I NEED to do through Christ!

Complete this sentence: YES, I CAN
I can write and reach those that need to hear that they are not alone. I can shake off my fear and move forward, never regretting that I DIDN'T do something. Moving forward is frightening because it is not known to you what will happen. When you are afraid of what you don't know, pray. When you don't know what to do next, pray harder. I have learned a lot about patience. I have said over and over that I have prayed for patience all my life and God gave me children! He will continue to do this in your life. He is not a genie and will not grant all of you wishes simply to do it. You still have to live your life for him once you get your "wish". We have faced many a challenge in our life in Idaho. From work, to babies, to financial crisis, to growing into adulthood (the not-so-fun part!), and through all of this we have prayed feverishly that our path will become clear. I am still struck with epiphanies daily about how our life is working for Him. At the Flogging Molly show last night it hit me~ Pete and I are the only constant in our lives. We have experienced unending transition in our lives, we all do, and we are what has not changed.

What box do you need to rock?
My previous thought pattern. I am learning through this Power Thoughts process that my negative thought pattern isn't just cliche negative thinking, it is a whole mindset that I am having to change. I feel the flourescent lights are slowly coming on in the warehouse of my brain. It begins with facing new worries and concerns with bright eyes, new eyes that I am still adjusting to.

Which "I can't" belief in your life do you need to exchange for an "I can"?
I CAN raise healthy, happy girls, I CAN be too amusing to my husband for him to find fulfillment elsewhere, I CAN trust, I CAN BE HAPPY, I CAN write what I need to write, I CAN be a successful Thirty-One consultant, I CAN exercise, I CAN go on and on and on!!!

How can you push through and overcome a particular obstacle in your life?
I am a broken record here, but I will state again that I CAN overcome the struggle that I have had since I held a gorgeous tiny being in my arms just after she hatched. As a family, we have struggled with the work/childcare vs. raising the family/not working/not bringing in a valid paycheck dilemna. We have charged forward with this on our shoulders. We have bent and tweaked our lives almost daily to facilitate us both working and being with the girls. It has not been easy, but we can overcome this with prayer and with time. Instead of crumbling under the weight of trying to find the perfect recipe for financial freedom and successful parenting, we can enjoy that we have made it this far in Lily's life and have somehow managed to stay in our house and have a fully stocked refridgerator!

What excuse do you use most? Will you determine today that you will stop making excuses and start believeing God gives you strength to do what you need to do?
I LOVE this question! My #1 excuse that I use all the time...."I'm Too Tired". Oh man, I have used this excuse to keep me from doing the dishes to writing in the girls' baby books. I used it 10 minutes ago when I discovered that I had writer's block for the first time since starting the Power Shower, I use it when I am at work sifting through grants accounting that I just don't understand, I use it when Lily wants me to play with her, I use it when I think about popping in a work-out DVD. I WILL STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What have you been wanting or needing to do that you haven't done yet because even the thought of it overwhelmed you?
Right now? I have to write a 500 word story and it is terrifying me. I haven't written in Stella's baby book in months because I don't want her to know that she was super difficult for 6 months of her little life. This is all very petty I know, when most people are dealing with relationship troubles and grief and loss. I am very vocal when it comes to my pleasure or dissapointment with others, so maybe that helps in times like these.

In what specific situation do you need to believe that you are more than a conqueror?
Being a mom. I really want to kick ass at being a mom.

Moving forward, through sleepy eyes and crying babies, pulling myself out of complacency and reaching up to the Lord for strength and power. I can do whatever I need to do in life through Christ!

Chapter 4: Purposeful thinking and the end of part 1

We are nearing the end of Chapter 4 and I am anxious to begin the 2nd half of Power Thoughts. The next portion details 12 Power Thoughts that will lead to positive, powerful thinking. I have already felt a shift in my thought process, whether it is because I am holding myself accountable by way of this blog, or because I am just now aware of HOW my mind and tendencies can work against me, or because the sun has decided to show itself, or because it is my birthday season.....Things are happening, though! I can feel it in my bones and I know that it is nothing that we are doing, but because we put our faith in God and are learning over and over again that we MUST trust that he is only working for the good in all of our lives.
So to begin.....

What are the most obvious ways your thoughts affect your mood? People/Situations I am negative about?

Obvious, I have a difficult time dealing with change. Even now, as we have closed a chapter of our lives in ending daycare, Pete's job change, and the decision to quit while we are ahead of the baby making game. All positive changes, but I am still leary and guarded. I will not allow myself the excitement that I had as a child when we would arrive in the parking lot of Disneyland. I know too much about salespeople and fear that Pete will become one of them. The Salesman did not get his reputation by mistake. I have worked in media sales and I know what it requires. It is the unknown and I have let it drown out my joy. Perhaps I should have never watched Mad Men. What are the chances that Pete will become Donald Draper? Slim, but I am always on guard. I need to enjoy this time and be supportive of this career change. It will take me a while to adjust, as per usual, having an "adjustment disorder"!!!

My personal definition of a Great Life?

When I am 80.....I will look back on this life while rocking on a porch swing with an old man Pete Stauffer looking out onto the Pacific Ocean from our condo balcony in Morro Bay reflecting on the gorgeous lives we have raised in our two girls. They will have grown into emotionally, spiritually, physically strong and confident women. They will be our life and our legacy. Our love will have been the glue that has held us all together, our faith; the light that envelops us.

Specific situations that I will apply principles of preparedness (in setting my mind)

I am a sponge. I absorb the emotional state of those that I am near. This has been the truth of my life from the very beginning. It is my special "talent", like a Twilight vampire, this is my "gift". As I have grown and learned more about myself and where I am most content, it is so clear why I am at peace when I am alone (or any form of alone that I can find in this circus that is my home!) It is possible that I lack the ability to create boundries. I will be prepared by knowing this and will work diligently to separate my emotional well-being from those that I am around, regardless of their situation. I am not kidding when I say that this realization has already CHANGED my life by learning that it so DEFINES my being, well-being, and ability to think positive.

In what areas of your life does my mind need to be renewed?

I must replace my reasons WHY with WHY NOT as a rule, not just right now, but always. I have been feeling great lately. I have been positive and feel renewed, a bit rested, and centered. I need to lose my fear that this will vanish. I have my guard up. I need to TRUST. In all things, I have learned that when I give it up completely, it works for the good. I need to have peace and not FEAR that I will die once I find it and let it absorb me completely.

Have I developed an ability to concentrate and focus or do you allow uninvited guests to get you off course?

Haha! This makes me laugh. We have had invited guests with us the last few weeks. Pete's parents made a trip, then my parents came to stay. In keeping this topic recent, I will just say that I have strayed from my desired course of reading, writing, and "wringing out my sponge". We have had a blast! That is for sure, but isn't a good time always the thing that has made me veer off my desired path? The goal for the rest of my life is going to be in learning to stay on the road while enduring the good times!
Attempting to develop an ability to focus and remain focused, which is one of my goals with this blog. Whether anyone reads it or not, I am going to finish Power Thoughts, the Power Shower blog, and will have worked it the whole way through. I am not going to give up because there is a party down the street! Not this time!

How can I work a 10 minute "think session" into my daily routine?

Waking up early or staying up late has been my "special alone time" and I love it. I just have to keep my tired eyes from slamming shut as I write. Coffee is the key to most things really. Writing is my "think session". I have to commit more fully to this purpose. Daily.

Good habits I need to develop in my life? How and when will I start?

This begins with my speech. You can learn a lot about a person by how they answer this question, "How are you?". What prompted my urgency to change was my perpetual response when answering this question, "(heavy sigh) I'm doing alright(sad eyes)." Who wants to continue that conversation? Like I was begging for sympathy or baiting anyone that asked to say, "Oh, what is wrong?" out of obligation. I'll be honest, I don't enjoy those conversations, regardless of what end of it I am on. Our words become our ways. If my words are positive, then my thoughts will follow as will my feelings. I will start this morning and again tomorrow morning and the morning after that! Habits are difficult to break, but this is of the utmost importance as I am losing interest in the monotony of negative thinking. It kind of takes all the fun and wonder out of living.

Amen! This completes part 1 of the journey. I am anxious to start on the 12 Power Thoughts that this book details in the second half. This first part laid the foundation to a new thought process. Let me know about your own journey! I have loved and appreciated all the comments and personal stories that you have shared with me. Thank you for reading! You have given me fuel to continue. May God bless you and your own journey to a happy, positive existence!